funny sms jokes

A beautiful teacher was having trouble with one of her students in 1st Grade class.

She asked,” Boy. What is your problem?”

Boy answered,” I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 4th Grade!”

Madam had enough.She took the boy to the Principal’s office. While the boy waited in the outer office, Madam explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Madam he would give the boy a test
and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade And Behave.
She agreed.

The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3×3?”
Boy: “9″.

Principal: “What is 6×6?”
Boy: “36″.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
4th grade should know. The principal looks at Madam and tells her,
“I think this Boy can go to the 4th grade.”

Madam says to the principal,”I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?”
The principal and the boy both agreed.

Madam asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of”?
Boy, after a moment answered,”Legs. ”

Madam:” What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
Boy:” Pockets.”

Madam: What starts with a C and ends with a T,is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy: Coconut;

Madam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The Principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
the boy was taking charge.
Boy: Bubble-gum.

Madam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The Principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer…
Boy: Shake hands.

Madam: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”
Boy: Wedding Ring.

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well,I drip. When you blow me,you feel good.
Boy: Nose.

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy: Arrow.

Madam: “What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ That means lot of heat and excitement?”
Boy: Fire-truck.

Madam: “What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’& if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand.”
Boy: Fork.

Madam: “What is it that all men have one of, it’s longer on some men than on others, and the Pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?”
Boy: SURNAME.

Madam: “What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping & is responsible for making love?”
Boy: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send this Boy to grade 5, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!”

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.

“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, “Yes.”

The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

******

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

“Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord.. It is a misunderstanding.

You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Jennifer Lopez , You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three.

Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT’S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.”

Namashkaar.. . Air India mein sabko swaagath hai.

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board Air India.

We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and partly due to the search for a missing tyre.

This is flight 981 to Thiruvananthapuram. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in India. And, if luck is in your favor, we may even be landing on your village!

I request every body to relax and enjoy the journey. this aircraft is privileged to have made the least number of accidents in it’s total flying period. That is, only 72 minor accidents in 62 years.

Air India has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety standards are so high, that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure; I announce! that, starting this year, over 30% of our Passengers have reached their destination.

Food will be served onboard if we take off. For your convenience, air sickness bags will be supplied right after food so that you can avoid vomitting on the floor.

If our
engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve Complimentary DHARU and vada paavw. For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today’s in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. However, for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Emirates Airlines, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the Cabin is only the early warnin! g system on the engines telling us to slow down!

In order to catch a look at important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible. For the best view , if however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the
landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can’t find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And, for those of you who can’t find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase.

Once again, thank you for flying by Air India

Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.
It’s fun to cook for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, ‘beat 12 eggs separately.’ Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, ’serve without dressing.’ So I didn’t dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, ‘wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.’ So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can’t say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.

It said, prepare ingredients,
then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.’ I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all right.I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I’ll try to be supportive.

Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, ‘put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it.’ Beat it I did,to my mum’s place. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I’m sure I don’t know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and it’s little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten. Either he was really
stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.

|| ~Shree Khaa Naa Ya Namaha~ ||

Mrs. and Mr. Sambhar Chatni

Request the pleasure of the company of

Mrs. & Mr. Idli

On the occasion of the Marriage of their grandson,

SADA DOSA
( Son of Mrs. & Mr. Masala Dosa)
to
PANI PURI
( Daughter of Mrs. & Mr. Bhel Puri)

on 30th September 2005, 12.00 a.m. at

Dahi Wada Hall, Samosa Building,
Cham Cham Road, Opposite Papad Theatre,
Haldiram, Mumbai Rasgulla 400 000.

Res. : “Nariyal ka Chatni”, Paneer Rd.
Chola Battura Avenue, Mumbai Dhokla 400 111.
Tel. 91-22-25618241

email id: Stomach_upset@ indigestion. com

NO GIFTS PLEASE, ONLY PRESENTS.

Best wishes from : Mr. Ghee roast dosa and Mrs. Dahi puri

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife version 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6
I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

___________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM. .

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Man: Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get
myself treated fully within this period.

Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see
that board.

Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you. Only

Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal
specialist. I do not treat human beings.

Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only.

Doctor: I cannot, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like
me which means you are a human being and not an animal.

Man: I know I am a human but listen to my complaints first:

Doctor: OK. Tell me.

Man: I sleep vigilantly like a dog thinking about my workload whole
night.
I get up in the morning like a horse
I go to work running like a deer
I work all the day like a donkey
I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday.
I wag my tail in front of all my bosses
I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.
I am like a rabbit before my wife

Doctor: Do you work in Gulf?
Man: Yes
Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning itself that you are working in Gulf……

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?”
Wife: “I couldn’t lift the table.”

******

“What did one ghost say to another?”
“Do you believe in people?”

******

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

******

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

******

“Room Service? Can you send up a towel?”
” Please wait someone else is using it.”

******

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

******

“Where did you get those big eyes?”
“They came with the face.”

******

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls .

******

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

******

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

******

“Look, guide, here are some lion tracks.”
“Good. You see where they go and I’ll find out where they came from.”

******

“Do you think I”ll lose my looks as I get older?”
“Yes if you’re lucky.”

******

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

******

“Has there been any insanity in your family?”
“Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he’s the boss.”

******

I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it.

******

“My wife doesn’t know what she wants.”
” You’re lucky. My wife does.”

******

We have a quiet home life. I don’t speak to her and she doesn’t speak to me.

******

“What do use for washing dishes?”
“Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best. ”

******

“Why don’t you give your husband a divorce?”
“What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?”

******

“Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?”
“I ought to be able to. I’ve had 12 different jobs in four months.”

Banta Singh and Santa Singh got tired using cell phones and for a change decided to use really ancient methods of communication. They decided to use pigeons to send messages.

So they went and bought expensive carrier pigeons from the Jama Masjid market in old Delhi and found to their joy that the pigeons indeed could be trained and the birds very easily learnt to return directly to their respective homes. And so this scheme worked very fine.

One day Santa sends his pigeon.

When the pigeon reaches to Banta it is without message.

Banta picked his mobile and asked Santa “What is this joke? The pigeon is without any message!!!”

Santa said “Oye khotey, this was a missed call.”

Surinder’s uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place. When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, “I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don’t charge me for food and drinks!”

So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food. “Excuse me, what is that drink?” he asked.

The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, “Milk of India!”

The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting. “And what is that dish?” asked the curious American.

“Wheat of India!” replied the uncle proudly.

Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.

“What is it?” asked the American.

“Sweet of India!” replied the old man.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud “Pooooooooooooo!” from the uncle.

“What was that?” asked the American in disgust.

The old man replied coolly, “That’s Air India!”