funny sms jokes

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Multi-tasking means screwing up several things at once.

Q. What does 98 stand for in Windows 98?
A. It stands for number of times it hangs in a day.

Work faithfully 8 hours a day, and don’t worry because in time you will become the boss and work 12 hours a day and do all the worrying.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

A modern employer is one who is looking for men between ages 25 and 30 with 40 yrs experience.

A system administrator is like Santa Claus, nobody really knows what he does most of the time.

• Wash Basin A Sardarji goes to a hotel and eats heartily. After eating he goes to wash his hands but starts washing the basin instead. The manager comes running and asks him, “Prahji, aap kya kar rahe ho?” To this the man replies, “Oye, tumne hi to idhar board lagaya hai “Wash Basin”.
• Three Engines Fifteen minutes into the flight from Mankuwa City to Sukhpur city, the
  captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed.. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.” Thirty minutes later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry … we can fly just fine on two engines.” An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours.But don’t worry … we still have one engine left.” A sardarji passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, “If we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”
• Detective Job Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, “Who killed Jesus Christ?” The Jewish man answered without hesitation. “The Romans killed him.” The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the Same question. He replied “Jesus was killed by the Jews.” Again, the chief thanked the man who then left. Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying,”Could I have some time to think about it?” The chief said,”OK, but get back to me tomorrow.” When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked “How was the interview ?”. Sardarji replied, “Great, I got the job, and I’m already investigating a murder.
• Guooonn, Guooonn Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the same every time. he tries to sleep,one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound “guooonn, guooonn.” He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent. Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge. Happy as he is now starts singing a lullaby and says “so ja machchar, bete so ja”. After some time he finds the mosquito falling into deep sleep in his hands. So he goes near it and says “Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn.”
• Urine Test Two sardarjis were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like anything. So the other asked,”Why are you crying?” The first one replied, “I came here for blood test” Second one asked,” So? Are you afraid?” First one replied,”No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger” Hearing this the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked other, “Why are you crying?” The other replied, “I have come for my urine test.”
• Bihari-Sardar A Bihari was waiting for his bus at the bus stop. Finally the bus arrives and he gets in. The bus is fully loaded with sardarjis. One sardarji orders Bihari to tell a joke. Now, the Bihari thinks he’s in big trouble because he knows only sardar jokes! After thinking for some time he decides to substitute all references to ’sardars’ in his joke with ‘Biharis’. He starts the jokes with, “There was once a Bihari…” And suddenly he gets a major blow on his back from one of the sardarjis who shouts, “Kyon be! Sab sardar mar gaye hai kya?”
• Wrong Answer Santa Singh applied for an engineering position at DEMAN CONSTRUCTION office in Amritsar. Reddy from Chennai applied for the same job and both
  applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager Mr. Arvin Singh. Upon completion of the test, the results showed that both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Santa and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to Reddy”. Santa: And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Punjab I should get the job!” Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one question that you got wrong. “Santa: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” Manager: “Simple, for the question that both of you got wrong, Reddy put down ‘I don’t know’ as the answer. And you wrote ‘Neither do I’!”
• Road to Station Sardarji praising his son who is a Civil engineer, who just laid a road near his house. “Wow! This is terrific! Look at the job he has done! The distance from my house to the railway station is the same as the railway station to my house!!!!!!!!”
• Green TV Sardarji is buying a TV. “Do you have colour TVs?” “Sure.” “Give me a green one, please.”
• Just a second Sardarji calls Air India. “How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?” “Just a sec,” says the receptionist. “Thank you.” says the Sardar and hangs up.
• Salary Expected Sardarji is filling up a job application. He promptly fills in the lines on NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then came the column SALARY EXPECTED. After much thought he writes: Yes.
• Crocodile Boots Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes, if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs, angrily exclaims: “71st and *again* barefoot!”
• Thermos Flask Sardarji goes into a store and sees a shiny object. He asks the clerk, “What is that shiny object?” The clerk replies, “That is a Thermos flask.” The Sardar asks, “What does it do?” The clerk responds, “Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” The Sardar says, “I’ll take it!” The next day, he walks into work with his new Thermos. His Sardar boss sees him and asks, “What is that shiny object with you?” He said, “It’s a Thermos flask.” The boss asks, “What does it do?” He replies, “Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” The boss said, “Wow, what do you have in it?” The Sardar replies, “Two cups of coffee and a coke.”
• Answering Machine Sardarji fixed an answering machine at home. Two days later he disconnected it because he was getting complaints like “Saala phone utha ke bolta hai ghar pe nahin hai.”
• Photocopies What does Sardarji do after taking photocopies? He compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.
• Photocopy What does Sardarji do when he has one white sheet and wants an extra sheet? He makes a photocopy of the white sheet.
• Free Punjab There was a meeting of all the Sardar freedom fighters. They were planning for a free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, “Oh…we’ll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?” That was a tough one indeed. Banta Singh had a brainwave… “No problem! We’ll attack Amrika, it would take over us and then we would become a State of USA and develop automatically.” All the surds became happy with this very simple solution but an old surd was not. Someone asked him why he wasn’t happy. The old surd replied, “THAT’S ALL VERY WELL… WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TOOK OVER AMRIKA???”
• Small TV Sardarji went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I would like to buy this small TV,” he told the salesman. “Sorry, we don’t sell to Sardars,” he replied. He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman “I would like to buy this TV.” “Sorry, we don’t sell to Sardars,” Salesman replied.
  “Damn, he recognised me,” he thought. He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut, new hair colour, new outfit, big sunglasses, waited a few days, saw the salesman again. “I would like to buy this TV.” “Sorry, we don’t sell to Sardars,” he replied.
  Frustrated, he exclaimed, “How do you know I’m a Sardar?” “Because that’s a microwave,” he replied.
• Below 18 Why did 18 Sardars go to a movie? Because below 18 was not allowed.
• Sardarji’s Intelligence How do you measure Sardarji’s intelligence? Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear.
• Hand Grenade What do you do when Sardarji throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
• Hand Grenade-2 What do you do when Sardarji throws a pin at you? Run like crazy…he’s got a hand grenade in his mouth.
• Joke On Wednesday How do you make Sardarji laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
• Hands over ear What was Sardarji doing when he held his hands tightly over his ears? He was trying to hold on to a thought.
• Retrain Why does Sardarji work seven days a week? So you don’t have to retrain him on Monday.
• Ice Cubes Why can’t Sardarji make ice cubes? He always forget the recipe.
• Kill The Bird How did Sardarji try to kill the bird? He threw it off a cliff.
• A wind tunnel
  What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
  A wind tunnel.
• Back Of Head
  What do you see when you look into Sardarji’s eyes?
  The back of his head.
• Lightning
  Why does Sardarji always smile when a lightning blazes?
  He thinks his picture is being shot.
• Shoes
  Why does Sardarji have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.
• Fax
  How can you tell when Sardarji sends you a fax?
  It has a stamp on it.
• Second One
  Why can’t Sardarji dial 911?
  He can’t find the Second 1 on the dial.
• Dead Bird
  “Oh, look at the dead bird.”
  Sardarji looked skyward and asked, “Where, Where?
• Smart Sardars and UFOs
  What do smart Sardars and UFOs have in common?
  You always hear about them but you never see them.
• Sardar Snowman
  Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman than a regular one?
  You have to hollow out the head.
• 8 kms a Day
  The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran 8 kms a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kg
  At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. “What’s the problem?” asked the doctor.
  “I’m 2400 kms from home.
• Jurassic Park
  Sardarji goes to see The Jurassic Park.
  When the Dinosaurs start approaching he cowers in his seat.
  His friend asks him,”Kyun Sardarji, kya baat hai?
  Dar kyun lag raha hai? Cinema hi to hai.”
  Sardarji replies, “Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai,pata hai ki cinema hai,
  lekin woh to janwar hai, usko kya pata.”
• Suicide
  Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks…
  takes along some wine and chicken with him.
  Somebody stops him and asks,
  “Kyon bhai ye sab kyun leke baithe ho?”
  Sardarji replies, “Saali train late aati hai
  kahin bhook se na marjaun..”
• 20 Rupees
  Sardarji is travelling by train.
  He feels sleepy, so he gives the guy opposite 20 rupees to wake him up when his station comes.
  This guy is a barber. He feels that for 20 rupees Sardarji deserves more.
  So, when Sardarji falls asleep, the barber quietly shaves off his beard.
  When the station arrives, he wakes up Sardarji and sends him home.
  Reaching home, he goes to wash his face, and suddenly screams when he sees the mirror.
  Sardarni asks, “What’s the matter?”
  “The cheat on the train takes my 20 rupees and wakes up someone else!”
• Donkey
  Having lost his donkey Sardarji, got down
  to his knees and thanked God.
  A passerby saw this and asked,
  “Your donkey is missing. What are you thanking God for?”
  Sardarji replied, “I am thanking Him for seeing to it that
  I wasn’t riding the donkey at that time,
  otherwise I would have been missing too.”
• Chinese
  Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills the birth certificate. “Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese.” “How come you write “Chinese” when both parents are Sikh?” ”
  Aah, Sardarji read a newspaper, it said every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese.”
• Rubi, Moti and Sardarji
  Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and Sardarji were sent to the outer space.
  The ground control issues commands, “Rubi!”
  “Woof!” (barking sound ) “Press the red button.” “Woof! Woof!”
  “Moti!” “Woof!” “Press the white button.” “Woof! Woof!”
  “Sardarji!” “Woof.” “Stop barking, feed the dogs and don’t touch anything!”
• Clock Tower
  Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Sardarji says “Yes”.
  “Give me a thousand rupees and I’ll go get a ladder.” The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. “Give me a thousand rupees and I’ll go get a ladder.”
  The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I’ll go get a ladder.”
• Driver
  Santa and Banta Singhs landed up in Bombay and got into a doubledecker.
  Santa somehow managed to get a bottom seat in the bus. Unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. When the rush was over, Santa went upstairs to look up Banta, found Banta in badly scared, clutching the seats in front with both hands.
  Santa asked, “Arre Banta! What’s going on? Why so scared?
  I was enjoying my ride down there? Scared Banta replied, “Yeah, but you’ve got a *driver*.”
• Called Again
  Santa with two red ears went to see his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears. “I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang. Instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.”
  “Oh Dear!” the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. “But…what happened to your other ear?”
  “The scoundrel called again.”
• 31 Years Old
  Bantu returns from his first day at school and immediately questions hisfather.
  “Dad, today we had a Spelling Class - All the other kids could only say half
  the alphabet, but I knew the whole thing. Is that because I am Sardar?”
  “No son, that’s because you are intelligent. ”
  Bantu seeming content with the answer, asks his father another question,
  “Dad, today we had Math class - All the other kids could only count from
  1-10, I could count from 1 to 20. Is this because I am Sardar ??”
  “No son, that’s because you are intelligent,” replies his father.
  Happy with the answer, Bantu poses another question to his father,
  “Dad,today we had Medical Examination, all the other boys were shorter than me, I was atleast twice their height. Is that because I am Sardar ??”
  The father replies, “No son, that’s because you are 31 years old.
• Oxygen Tube
  Santa Singh was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Banta. As Banta singh stood beside the bed, Santa Singh’s frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
  Banta singh lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper,and Santa used his
  last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died.Banta singh thought
  it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket.
  Several days later, at the funeral, Banta singh was visting Santa’s family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he’d worn the day Santa died. “You know,” he said, “Santa handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t read it, but
  knowing Santa, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”. He
  unfolded the note and read aloud, “You’re standing on my oxygen tube!”
• Thought
  Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out.
  His friends asked him how he had fared. He replied, “Exam was okay, except for the past tense of ‘think’. I thought, thought, thought and at last, I wrote ‘thunk’!”
• Bet On Highlights
  Santa told Banta, “I bet that India would win against Pakistan and lost Rs 1,000.” Banta exclaimed: “Yaar, you bet Rs 1,000 for a single match?” Santa replied:
  “Nahi yaar, I bet Rs 500 on that match.” Banta asked: “So, what happened to the other Rs 500?” Santa repied: “Chad yaar, I bet on the highlights too.”
• Train Driver
  A train suddenly deviated from the tracks and ran onto the nearby fields before returning on the tracks again. The passengers were horrified at this. At the
  next railway station, the driver was caught and questioned. He was a sardar and explained that a man was standing on the tracks and he refused to budge.
  The authorities asked him, “Sardarji, are you mad? Just to save one person, you put so many lives in danger. You should have overrun that person.” The
  sardar replied: “Exactly, that is what I was doing, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.”
• House on Fire
  Once a building caught fire and two guys and a sardar were trapped in the balcony. On the ground, fire fighters caught hold of a net and asked them to jump.
  The first one jumped but the fire fighters removed the net and he was killed. Then the other guy was asked to jump and again they removed the net too soon and he
  was dead. Seeing all this, the sardar was furious and said: “You keep the net on the ground and get away from it. I don’t trust you.
• Cellular Phone
  A sardar is in a bar and his cellular phone rings, so he picks it up and says
  ” Hello, how did you know I was here?”
• Secret Agents
  Why are sardar secret agents the best in the world? Because even under
  torture they can’t remember what they have been assigned to.
• Checkbook
  Did you hear about the sardar who signed all his checks so no one Else
  could write in his checkbook other than him if he lost his checkbook?
• Two Coats
  Banta Singh was painting his living room one hot day.
  His friend Santa Singh asked him, “Why, are you wearing two jackets?”.
  “Because,¡¨ said Banta Singh, “The directions on the can said to put on two coats.”
• White Lines
  A sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway.
  On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.
  Then the foreman asked the sardar why he kept painting less each day, he replied “I just can’t do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.”
• Empty Bottles
  Why does a Sardar keep empty beer bottles in his fridge?
  They’re there for those who don’t drink.
• Lunch Box
  Why do sardars have see-through lunch box lids?
  So that when they’re on the train they can tell if they’re going to work or coming
  home.

• Think
  A sardar’s response to the comment, “THINK about it!”: “I don’t have
  to think-I’m sardar!”
• Window
  A sardar, a japanese, and a britisher were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey.
  The japanese took the radiator, the britisher took the seat, and the sardar took the door. After a while of walking the britisher asked the japanese “I’m confused,
  why did you bring the radiator?” The japanese responded, “If I get thirsty,I can
  drink the fluid.” Next the sardar asked the britisher “Why did you bring
  the seat?” So the britisher said “If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the
  sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat.” Finally the japanese asked the sardar why he had chosen the door. The sardar quickly responded to this question, “Well,when I shall feel the need to get some breeze in this summer all have to do is roll down the window.”
• Magic Lamp
  A sardar, a japanese, and a britisher were shipwrecked on a deserted
  island. One day they came upon an old lamp buried in the sand.
  As they brushed the sand from the lamp a Genie appeared and said I’ll
  give each of you one wish.” The japanese said “I wish I was home!” PUFF and
  he was gone! The britisher said “I wish I was home!” PUFF and he too
  was gone. The sardar said “Boy is it lonely here! I wish my friends were
  back!”
• Sheep & Dog
  A sardar was tired of being sardar and constantly being the subject of all
  those dumb sardar jokes. He finally cut his hair. He decided to take a drive through the country to celebrate his new life. Going past a field of sheep (he loved sheep) he stopped and asked the farmer “If i can guess how many sheep in your flock, can I have one?” The farmer laughed and said “Sure, Sir”
  He gazed out for a few seconds and said “There’s 1,973 sheep” The farmer said with amazement “Your’re right! Go and pick one out”. On his way back to his car he was stopped by the farmer yelling “Hey Sir! If I can guess your real identity can I have my dog back?”
• Ban Sardarji jokes
  Desh mein badthi hui sardarji jokes dekh kar Santa aur Banta chintith ho jate hain.. Dono milkar Bhatinda mein Akhil Bharatiya Sardarji Sammelan ka ayojan kartein hain.. Sammelan ka muddha hai .:”Ban Sardarji jokes..”.Sammelan ke baad, Santa, Banta aur doosare sardarji Delhi pohanch jatein hain, Cultural Affairs mantri shri Surinder Singh se milnein..Kafi Dharna ke baad wo Surinder singh se miltein hain. Santa chillata hai, ” Kaise sardarji ho ji aap, Desh mein din ba din Sardarjiyo par joke likha ja raha hai aur aap Mantri ho kar bhi, kuch karte hi nahi..aap turanth iin jokes par ban lagaiye..” Surinder singh kuch sochane ke bad bolta hai ” Mere pyare sardarji Bhaiyon,aap in jokes ko dil se kyon lete hain,jokes tho jokes hai, aur waise bhi hum sardarji log kuch buddhu hote hain..”. Santa aur Banta yeh sunkar Gussa ho jatein hai aur chilatein hai, arre mantri jara sabith kar ke dikhao ki hum buddhu hain..”. Surinder bolta hai,” OOye, ye lo ji, ismein konsi baddi baat hain, abhi lo..” aur wo apne driver ko bulata hai ” oye Milkha singh, oye Milkha, jara idhar aa”. Milkha cabin mein aata hai.. Surinder bolta hai..” oye milkha ja daud ke ja aur pata kar ki mei ghar pohancha ki nahin..”..Milkha chale jata hai. Surinder bolta hai..” Dekh lo kitna buddhu hai, Telephone kar ke nahi pooch saktha tha..”..
• Sardar Tiger
  Sardar Dhakaan Singh is big hunter. Once he went to a zoo. At that time a big tiger escaped from its cage. The zoo officials sent everyone out of the zoo and closed the main gate. Now the tiger is inside the zoo but wandering freely.Zoo people requested sardar to go inside and trap the tiger in a cage.Scared but to avoid insult he went into the zoo in his jeep carrying a big gun. While driving on one of the zoo’s roads, he noticed that the tiger is chasing him. Feeling scared he drove the jeep fast but only to observe that the tiger is very near to the jeep. At that time the road separated into
  two paths ahead, one to the left and other to the right. Then cleverly dhakaal put the left indicator on and turned the jeep to the road on right. The tiger runs into the left path. With a sigh of relief, he drove forward. After some time the roads meet and the same situation arises again. once more the road divides into two and this time our sardar is smart enough to put the right indicator on and turned to left. This time the tiger goes into the road on right side. After some time the roads meet again to our sardar’s misfortune and the tiger starts to chase him again. This time the road never divides and our sardar thought the tiger would catch him. Then a brilliant idea struck his mind. He slows down his jeep taking it to the left corner of the road. Then
  he held his hand outside and a gives signal which is given for vehicles which want to overtake. The tiger this time overtakes his jeep and runs forward.
  Result :- There are Sardar Communities in Tigers too.
• 30000 kms
  A sardar wanted to sell his old battered Maruti car which had done more than
  100,000 kms. Since no body was inclined to buy it, he approached his friend to
  help him dispose it off. The friend advised him to have the mileage meter
  reading reduced to around 30,000 kms so that he could tell the prospective
  customer that it has been used sparingly. The sardar liked the idea. A few
  weeks later the same friend met him and enquired whether he was able to
  dispose off his car. The sardar replied, “Are you mad? Who sells a car which
  has done only 30000 kms!
• Rechecking Answers
  A Sardarjee reported for his University final examination which consists of
  “yes/no” type questions. he takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at
  the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes
  his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the
  answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour he is all
  done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few
  minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The
  moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. “I finished the
  exam in half and hour. But, I am rechecking my answers
• Money Needed
  Santa Singh needed some money desperately.
  Someone told him that if goes & prays at Gurudwara, Mosque, Church & a temple, that his prayers will surely be answered. So Santa goes to a Gurudwara, & prays there. Then he goes to a Mosque and prays there. Than he goes to a church and prays there. Then he goes to a Shiv temple. The temple had
  a large Lord Shiva statue. Santa closes his eyes, bows his head, joins his hands and says his prayer.
  Santa: “Ho Jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Saannoo 100 rupayen chahiye. Kirpa karo.”
  The priest saw Santa praying. He wante to help Santa, but knew that a Sikh will never accept the money. So he drops a 100 rupee note, from behind the statue, so that Santa can not see him. After Santa had said his prayers, and opened his eyes. He saw the note and thought that god has listened to his
  prayers. He takes the note and goes away. However he is back again next day for money. Now the priest is really annoyed with Santa. The Priest decides that he is not going to give any more money to
  Santa. He changes the big Shivji statue with smaller one of Ganapathi that day. Once again Santa goes to the prayer room. However he does not notice the difference. Santa closes his eyes, bows his
  head, joins his hands and says his prayer. Santa: “Ho Jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Ajj to
  saannoo 50 rupayen hi chahiye. Kirpa karo.” After that he slowly opens his eyes and does not find any
  money.
  Santa: “O papa jee tussee itne vadde ho. Itne mahan ho. Asee 10 rupayen me hi kaam chala lenge. Kirpa karo jee.” After that he slowly opens his eyes and does not find any money. He slowly raises his head and now notices that small Ganapthi statue. He carefully looks left and than right, & than slowly moves a bit forward near the statue. Than he whispers to the Statue: “Beta, Papa kitthe hai?!?!!
• What did the Sardar say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
  “Look! They spelled MACY’S wrong!”
• What do you call an eternity?
  Four Sardars in four cars at a four way stop.
• Why do Sardars have TGIF written on their shoes?
  Toes Go In First.
• What do SMART Sardars and UFO’s have in common?
  You always hear about them but never see them.
• Why did the Sardars stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
  Because it said concentrate.
  Oh look, Daddy…Donut seeds.
• Why do Sardars always smile during lightning storms?
  They think their picture is being taken.
• How can you tell when a Sardars sends you a fax?
  It has a stamp on it.
• Why can’t Sardars dial 911?
  They can’t find the 11 on the phone!
• What do you do if a Sardar throws a pin at you?
  Run, she’s got a grenade in her mouth!
• How can you tell if a Sardar has been using your computer?
  There is white-out all over the monitor.
• Why shouldn’t Sardars have coffee breaks?
  It takes too long to retrain them.
• How do you drown a Sardar?
  Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
• Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one?
  You have to hollow out the head.
• How do you get a twinkle in a Sardar’s eye?
  Shine a flashlight in his ear.
• Why don’t Sardars like making KOOL-AID?
  Because they can’t fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
• Did you hear about the two Sardars that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theater?
  They went to see “Closed for Winter”.
• Why won’t they hire Sardars as pharmacists?
  They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
• Hear about the Sardar that got an AM radio?
  It took her a month to realize he could play it at night.
• What happenned to the Sardar Ice Hockey Team?
  They drowned in Spring Training.
• A Sardar walks into a bar, orders
  three pints of “Desi Daru”and sits in the back of
  the room, drinking a sip out of each one
  inturn. When he finishes them, he comes back
  to the bar and orders three more.
  The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint
  goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if
  you bought one at a time.”
  The Sardar replies, “Well, you see, I have
  two brothers. One is in America, the other in
  Dubai, and I’m here in Punjab. When we all
  left home, we promised that we’d drink this
  way to remember the days when we drank
  together.”
  The bartender admits that this is a nice
  custom, and leaves it there. The Sardar
  becomes a regular in the bar, and always
  drinks the same way: He orders three pints
  and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All
  the other regulars notice and fall silent.
  When he comes back to the bar for the second
  round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to
  intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
  condolences on your great loss.”
  The Sardar looks confused for a moment,
  then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
  “Oh, no,” he, says, “everyone’s fine. I’ve just
  quit drinking.”
• This is about a day when Mr. Zail was the President of
  the country. All sardars in the country went to him this day and told him
  that people tease them by making jokes about them that when the clock
  stucks 12:00, all sardars go mad and act like crazy. They complained that
  this is not true. They also complained that people talk about sardar
  having no common sanse. Therefore, they demanded him to go bring for them common sense.
  Mr. Zail Singh was confused and asked his secretary to give him some suggestions. The secretary advised him to go to Japan, since quality is guaranteed.
  The next day Mr. Zail Singh rushes off to Japan. At the Osaka Airport he hires a cab and asks him to take him to a shop where he can get common sense.
  The cab driver was pissed, he told him that there is no shop in Japan that sells such stuff. Infact every human being has common sense since birth. And that one should know how to make use of it. Mr. Zail Singh asked him to explain in detail.
  He started explaining by giving an example. The example was that there are 4 members in his family, his wife, his son, and his daughter. He then asked Mr. Zail Singh to guess the fourth members of the family. Mr. Zail Singh said, “How am i supposed to know who is the forth member in your family”. The driver said, “fool, its me”
  Mr. Zail then understood and said,”oh! is this what common sense is?, Indian sardars are fools and stupid, this is so easy!”
  The next day he goes back to India and announces all sardars to get together for a mass sardar lunch. He starts explaining with the same example. He says,” there are 4 members in my family, my son, my daughter, and my wife, guess who is the fourth one?”. All sardars shouted, “We don’t know”. He then yells at them,”You fools, stupid, good for nothing. It is so simple, the fourth member of the family is that taxi driver”

• Sardar Terrorist
  There were two Sardarjis Bantya and Santya as bombers. They
  had to place a time bomb in order to explode a building. So
  they were going on their destination in a car. On their way
  Bantya asked Santya, “Santya what will happen if the time
  bomb explodes in this car itself.” Santya replied
  “Don’t worry, I have a spare one!!!!!

• Dangerous Buddy: A Paki goes to the doctor and as he touches every part of her body with her finger she says, “Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!” The doctor asks, “Where you ever a friends with a Sardar?”
  “Yes I was.” he replies. “why do you ask?”
  The doctor answers, “because your finger is broken!”

• Dead Bird: A Sardar and a Paki were walking outside when the Paki said, “Oh look at the dead bird.”
  The Sardar looked skyward and said, “Where, where?”

• This is is a letter from a sardarji mother to her
  son at school …
  Pyaarey Puttar,
  Vahe Guru. I am writing this letter slow because I
  know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we
  did when you left home. Your dad read in the
  newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles
  from your home, so we moved! I won’t be able to
  give you the address as the last sardar who stayed
  in this house took the numbers with them for their
  next house, so they wouldnt have to change their
  address.
  This place is really nice. It even has a washing
  machine. I’m not sure it works too well, last week
  I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I
  HAVE NOT SEEN THEM SINCE.
  THE weather here isn’t too bad. It rained only twice
  last week. The first it rained for three days and the
  second time for four days. The coat you wanted me
  to send you, your aunt said it would be a little too
  heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we
  cut them off and put them in the pocket.
  We got another bill from the funeral home. It said
  that if we don’t make the last payment on
  GRANDMA’S FUNERAL, she will come up again.
  Your father has another job. He has 500 men under
  him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetery. Your
  sister had a baby this morning, I havent found out
  whether it is a boy or girl, so I don’t know whether
  you are an aunt or uncle!
  Your uncle jatindar fell into a whiskey vat. Some
  men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off
  and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
  3 days.
  Three of your friends went off the bridge in a
  pick-up truck. One was driving and the other two
  were in the back. the driver got out, he rolled down
  the window and swam to safety. the other 2 friends
  drowned because they couldn’t get the gate down.

  there isn’t much more news at this time. nothing much has happened.

  love, mom
  p.s. i was going to send you some money, but the
  envelope was already sealed.

• Sardarji Takes Art Class: One Day, A sardarji went to take an art class. His
  art teacher gave the assignment that he must paint
  something. The sardarji did not know what to
  paint, so the teacher told him to paint that which
  he felt was the most beautiful thing in the world.
  The sardarji thought, Nothing can be more
  beautiful than my village, so I shall paint that.
  The sardarji spent all his time working on the
  painting the next day. He did not eat, sleep, or
  take a bath.
  Finally, he took the painting to his art teacher.
  His art teacher was amazed at the detail of the
  picture, but he said, “No, no, there is something
  missing. Go back to your village and see what you
  have missed.”
  The sardarji went back to his village and revised his
  painting. The next day in class, he returned with
  the painting. He presented a black canvas to
  his instructor. His instructor said, “What! You fool!
  I said revise not destroy!”
  The sardarji said, “Well you told me to paint what I
  was missing, so I went back to the village, and looked
  for a long time. Then, there was a power outage, so I
  thought to myself this is what I am missing, so I painted
  black!”
• A Sardar Computer Illiterate: True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
  Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
  Tech: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
  Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am
  within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
  Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
  Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
  Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It’s
  because
  I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a
  trade
  show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have
  any trademark
  on it?”
  Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know
  anything about a
  promotional. It just has ‘4X’ on it.”
  At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because
  he couldn’t stand it.
  The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM
  drive as a cup holder,
  and snapped it off the drive!

• Jurassic Park

  This sardarji goes to see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching, he was hiding under his seat when his friend asks him ;kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai.; Sardarji replies ;Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai, lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata”

• Brain Tumor

  There’s a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the ‘mayyat’ are dancing the bhangra and singing and general ‘balle balle’ is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its marriage baraat. So one of them asks Santa Singh, ;Singh Saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach rahe ho?; …..comes the reply, ;Haan ji! Hai hi baat badi kushi ki!!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar brain tumour se mara hai!!!;

• Photocopy

  One Sardar needed two plain papers but he had only one. Do you know what he did: photocopied the one which he had. sardar are fun aren’t

• European Closet

  Santa and Banta went to US They have stayed a five star hotel. Santa don’t know how to use the European closet he dropped everything in a packet and placed it on one of the leaves of the fan. Banta came and switch on the fan and everything spread on the wall When the room boy came Santa gave a 10 dollars and told him to wash it off . But the Room boy gazed at it for a five minutes and taken a 25 dollars from the pocket and told to Santa “I will give you this 25 dollars if you say how did u do it so beautifully”.

• One more Plane Crash

  Garbachan singh was traveling from Calcutta to Bombay by a plane, There were one American, one Russian, one Pakistani and some other passengers. Suddenly something went wrong pilot alarmed that plane lost it’s control and some of the passengers have to jump out to rescue the rest of them. Firstly the American jumped out saying “Jai America” again the condition didn’t change then the Russian jumped out from the plane saying “Jai Russia”. But the condition still the same. The next is Garbachen’s turn he hesitated for a moment and pulled out the Pakistani by saying “Jai India”.

• A Plane journey

  A jet ran in to some turbulent weather. To keep passengers calm, the air hostess brought out the beverage carts.
  “I’d like a soda ” said the passenger in the front row. Moving along, the air hostess asked the man behind her if he would like something.
  “Yes I would,” he replied. “Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!”.

• Crime Story

  “I’m going on vacation . Could you suggest a thrilling crime story ?” Santa asks to Banta. “Here this one is so suspenseful you won’t be able to put it down” replies Banta. “only on the last page do you find out that the gardener did it”.

• New House

  Santa meets Banta
  Santa: “so have you moved to a new house”
  Banta: “No.”
  Santa: “Why not? You advertised to sell your old house, didn’t you?”
  Banta: “Yes, but when I read the ad, I realized it was just the home I was looking for!”.

• Salt Seller

  Do you really sell that much salt? A man asks to a Sardar who is running a grocery shop stocked with thousands of boxes of salt.
  “No ” says the Sardar. “I sell may be two boxes a month. To tell you the truth, I’m not a good salt seller. But the one who sell me salt-now he’s a good salt seller.”

• Marathon Race

  One day Sardar happened to see a marathon race.
  “What the guys are doing” asked the sardar.
  ” We are running a marathon. The winner will get prize” replied one runner.
  “Only the winner will get prize! Then why others are participating!!” Exclaimed the Sardar

• 13th Floor
  One day a sardarji was sitting in his office on the
  thirteenth floor building when a man came running in
  to his office and shouted “Santa Singh your daughter
  Preeto just died in an accident” Sardarji was in
  panic.Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office
  window. While coming down when he was near the tenth
  floor he remembered he didn’t have a daughter named
  Preeto. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered
  he was not married.When he was about to hit the ground
  he remembered he was not Santa Singh.

• Phone Book
  A sardar walked up to the front desk of the library
  and said, “I borrowed a book last week, but it was the
  most boring I’ve ever read. There was no story
  whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!”
  The librarian replied, “Oh, you must be the person who
  took our phone book.”

• Cows Don’t Fly
  A sardar was walking along, when he looked up to
  observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird
  dropped a load when it was directly over him. The
  Sardar says, “Good thing that cows don’t fly.”

• Dark Room
  Did you hear about the sardar who asked his friends to
  give him all their burnt out light bulbs? He just
  bought a camera and wanted to set up a Darkroom.

• Relaxing
  One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in UK.A lady
  came and asked him, ” Are you relaxing” Sardar
  answered ‘” No I am Banta Singh” Another Guy Came and
  asked! ! ! ! the same Question. Sardar answered ” No No Me
  ! Banta Singh” Third one came and asked the same
  question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to
  shift his place. While walking he saw another Sardar
  enjoying the Beach. He went and asked him ” Are you
  Relaxing?” The other Sardar was much educated and
  answered “Yes I am relaxing. The Sardar slapped him on
  his face and said “Idiot, Sab tere Ko wahahn dhoond
  rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai. “

• Electricity: A call from ladies hostel at night to electricity office
  ” we lost the power send your men”
  ” No Man here, Use Candles”
• Judgment Then there was the 85 year old woman who found her husband in bed with another woman. She was so enraged that she dragged him to the balcony of their high-rise apartment and pushed him to his death.
  When she appeared in court, the judge asked if she had anything to say in her own defence.
  “Well Your Honour,” she replied, “I figured if at 92 he he could make love, he could fly too.”
• Snap Banat singh was working in a studio as a photographer. One day he went to a function to take some snaps. While filling the film roll in to the camera it dropped down rolled beneath to the saree of an woman. Sardar hesitated for a moment and approached the woman and said “Could you please lift up the saree so that I can take the photo”
• Sex Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he the column SEX. He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote THRICE A WEEK. On seeing this in his appln. form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either MALE or FEMALE. Again our sardar thought for a long time before coming up with the answer PREFERABLY FEMALES.
• AIDS Sardar Garbhajan singh went for his usual morning walk. At one junction he found a crowd. One man holding a syringe on one hand and the famous actress on the other hand. He threatens to inject the liquid which contain AIDS virus in to her body unless he is given a ransom of 10 corers of Rupees . Police men are helplessly watching. At this moment Garbachen rushed to the man and has a fight, he dropped the syringe, Police men arrested him. On the next day a ceremony is conducted to reward Garbachen. The chief guest CM of punjab while giving away the reward asked to the Garbachen ” We are proud of you How did you show that much of courage even if you are aware of AIDS ?” Garbachen said “Sir I always wear a condom to avoid AIDS”
• Treatment One man went to consult as he is very thin and doesn’t grow well after having enough food, after diagnosis doctor said there is a worm inside his stomach it eats everything you eat and the man asked for the treatment. Doctor prescribed the treatment “From tomorrow onwards when you come to see myself come with a banana and an apple”. The net day he came with a banana and an apple. Doctor told him to eat the banana and insert the apple through his back hole. After one month treatment there is no change except size of the back hole increased so that the apple can be thrown through the hole freely. He told the doctor ” Doctor there is no change in my physical condition after one month of treatment ” Doctor told him “when you come tomorrow come with a banana and a hammer instead of apple”. The next day he came with banana and the hammer. Doctor let the man to eat the banana first and wait for a five minutes while the worm come out from his stomach and told the ill fated patient “You idiot trying to change my diet , where is my apple??” At the very moment the doctor thrashed the worm with the hammer and the insect dead.
• Jurassic Park This sardarji goes to see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching, he was hiding under his seat when his friend asks him ;kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai.; Sardarji replies ;Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai, lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata”
• Brain Tumor There’s a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the ‘mayyat’ are dancing the bhangra and singing and general ‘balle balle’ is on. The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its marriage baraat. So one of them asks Santa Singh, ;Singh Saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach rahe ho?; …..comes the reply, ;Haan ji! Hai hi baat badi kushi ki!!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar brain tumour se mara hai!!!;
• Photocopy One sardar needed two plain papers but he had only one.Do you know what he did: photocopied the one which he had. sardar are fun arn’t
• European Closet Santa and Banta went to US They have stayed a five star hotel. Santa don’t know how to use the European closet he dropped everything in a packet and placed it on one of the leaves of the fan. Banta came and switch on the fan and everything spread on the wall When the room boy came Santa gave a 10 dollars and told him to wash it off . But the Room boy gazed at it for a five minutes and taken a 25 dollars from the pocket and told to Santa “I will give you this 25 dollars if you say how did u do it so beautifully”.
• One more Plane Crash Garbachan singh was travelling from Calcutta to Bombay by a plane, There were one American, one Russian, one Pakistani and some other passengers. Suddenly something went wrong pilot alarmed that plane lost it’s control and some of the passengers have to jump out to rescue the rest of them. Firstly the American jumped out saying “Jai America” again the condition didn’t change then the Russian jumped out from the plane saying “Jai Russia”. But the condition still the same. The next is Garbachen’s turn he hesitated for a moment and pulled out the Pakistani by saying “Jai India”.
• A Plane journey A jet ran in to some turbulent weather. To keep passengers calm, the air hostess brought out the beverage carts.
  “I’d like a soda ” said the passenger in the front row. Moving along, the air hostess asked the man behind her if he would like something.
  “Yes I would,” he replied. “Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!”.
• Crime Story “I’m going on vacation . Could you suggest a thrilling crime story ?” Santa asks to Banta. “Here this one is so suspenseful you won’t be able to put it down” replies Banta. “only on the last page do you find out that the gardener did it”.
• New House Santa meets Banta
  Santa: “so have you moved to a new house”
  Banta: “No.”
  Santa: “Why not? You advertised to sell your old house, didn’t you?”
  Banta: “Yes, but when I read the ad, I realized it was just the home I was looking for!”.
• Salt Seller Do you really sell that much salt? A man asks to a Sardar who is running a grocery shop stocked with thousands of boxes of salt.
  “No ” says the Sardar. “I sell may be two boxes a month. To tell you the truth, I’m not a good salt seller. But the one who sell me salt-now he’s a good salt seller.”
• Marathon Race One day Sardar happened to see a marathon race.
  “What the guys are doing” asked the sardar.
  ” We are running a marathon. The winner will get prize” replied one runner.
  “Only the winner will get prize! Then why others are participating!!” Exclaimed the Sardar
• Ladies Room While at the college Sardar happened to watch the notice board.
  It reads: Invites suggestions for the modification of Ladies Room.
  Sardar writes under
  Let the men Permit to Enter
• Plane Crash Once, a Hindu, a Sardar and an American were travelling in an aeroplane. Suddenly, something went wrong and the engines stalled. They had no parachutes with them. So all the three of them decided to risk their lives and jump out of their planes. First, the Sardar jumped out. He removed his turban, used it as a parachute and jumped. Using the turban he slowly floated down. Then the Hindu removed his dhoti and jumped out. Again his dhoti acted as a parachute and he also floated down gently. Seeing this, the American removed his shirt and pant and jumped out. Unfortunately, they did not do well as a parachute and he began to fall rapidly from the plane to the ground. He passed by the Hindu who said - ” May Bhagwan help you”. Then he passed the Sardar. The Sardar looked at the American zooming past him and was puzzled. So he said - “I see! You want a race! Let us see who is faster” Saying so, he let go of his turban.
• What is in a Name When Gavaskar finds out that there has been released, a movie, in Australia called “Gavaskar”, he is very happy. He plans to watch it and gets a ticket for Australia at once. With great difficulty he manages to get a ticket and very happily he goes to see the movie. But when he comes out of the cinema he is very angry! He goes straight to the director of the movie and says, “What do you mean by this? You named your movie ‘Gavaskar’, but didnt show anything about me in it!”. The director of the movie laughs and says, “So now you understand the problem? You people too made a movie called ‘Border’, but did you show anything about Allan Border in it?”
• Punjabi and Bengali patriotism A Punjabi Sardar and a Bengali Babu were talking about their State’s patriotic history during the freedom struggle. The debate heated up and both ended up claiming that their state had the maximum number of freedom fighters. They finally agreed on a method to find which of the states had more freedom fighters. Each person would say the name of a freedom fighter from his state and pull one hair out of his opponents head. Both of them began earnestly. “Bhagat Singh” said the Sardar and pulled one hair from the Bengali. “Netaji” said the Bengali and did the same. They continued like this for some time, but soon exhausted all known freedom fighters. The Bengali, however, was very clever. He used Sardar’s ignorance and reeled off a lot of imaginary names. The Punjabi was stuck. He did not know any more Punjabi freedom fighter’s name. He thought deeply for a moment, jumped on the Bengali’s head and pulled all his hair out shouting - “JallianWala Bagh”.
• Suicide Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks “kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?” (Why do you take these things with you?). Sardarji replies “Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun” (If the stupid train comes late, I will die of hunger!)
• Think Thunk Thunk Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him how did he do his exam, for that he replied ; Exam was okay, but for the past tense of THINK, I thought, and thought, and thought … and at last I wrote THUNK !!!;
• Banana Peel So this sardarji is walking the other day and comes across a banana peel on the road. Can you guess what he might be thinking?? Saala aaj bhi girna padega!!!
• Going to the Sun Two Sardarjis, both student of I.I.T, Kanpur, were talking about the American Astronauts. One said to the other, “What’s the big deal about going to the moon-anybody can go to the moon. We are sardars we will go direct to the sun.” “But if we get within 13 million miles from the sun, we’ll melt.” And the first answered, “So what, we’ll go at night.
• Call to the Next Door Banta Singh dialed to talk to his dear pal Santa Singh “Is that 6545224?.” asked Banta Singh. “No this is 6545225.” came the reply. After thinking for few seconds Banta Singh replied “No matter, please call Mr. Santa Singh from next door
• Lie Detector An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector .
  The Englishman says: “I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer”.
  BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
  “Ok”, he says, “10 bottles”.
  And the machine is silent.
  The American says: “I think I can eat 15 hamburgers”.
  BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.
  “All right, 8 hamburgers”.
  And the machine’s silent.
  The Sardarji says: “I think…”, BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.
• Empty and Full Disks Santa and Banta work in a software company. One day, they were to move their m/cs to another building. Santa was having a tough time carrying his machine.
  Santa : “My m/c has 500 MB disk.
  See how easily I am carrying it. Yours has just 250 MB.
  Can’t you carry even this much?”
  Banta : “But yours is empty and my disk is full”!!!
• Missing Donkey Having lost his donkey a Sardarji, got down to his knees and started thanking God. A passerby saw him and asked, “Your donkey is missing; what are you thanking God for ?” The sardarji replied “I am thanking Him for seeing to it that I wasn’t riding the donkey at that time, otherwise I would have been missing too.” Sardar with Red ears A sardarji with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, “I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.” “Oh Dear!” the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. “But what happened to your other ear?” “The scoundrel called back.”
• Fill in Capital One great day in Bombay, One young couple was on honeymoon tour. They saw one Sardarji in front of Hospital ( Bridge Candy ) was trying to fill some form. So eagerly couple enquired ” aare Sardarji kya kar raahe ho ” Sardarji replied that I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form. Young Couple as per prescheduled, they took the Bombay to Delhi Flight for their next destination. On the very next day, they find the same Sardarji, in front of Lal Qilla in Delhi filling the same form. So once again young couple curiously asked “Aare Sardarji kya kar raahe ho” sardarji once again replied that I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form. Couple said, “But sardarji yesterday you were in Bombay filling the same form. Why are you in Delhi ?”. Sardaji coolly replied “Aare Saab Ye form mein leekha hey ke FILL IN CAPITAL” Aap ko etna bhi patta nahi hei .. Ha Ha Ha…..
• Train Journey Once a Sardarji was traveling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife ” What’s the matter?” Replied he “The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken up someone else”
• Sardar’s Maruthi One fine morning found Sardarji driving his new Maruti (which he called marrruttti very affectionately). Sardarji was very happy to be the owner of a marrruttti and was singing to himself. Suddenly, he collided with the milkman. The accident caused much damage to the milkman’s bicycle and our guy was furious. Sardarji ran towards him mumbling apologies, but the our guy was not pacified. He shouted “Sardar, khoon ka badla khoon, torfoor ka badla torfoor”. Saying so, he got a stout stick and starting hammering it on the windshield. Sardarji was shocked and tried to take the stick from him, requesting him to stop. But the milkman (who was incidently very stout) got hold of the Sardarji and carried him ten meters away from his marrruttti. He drew a small circle near the road with the stick and asked Sardarji to stay inside and not move outside the circle, threatening him with his stout stick for better measure. Now our Sardarji was not very brave at heart and coolly went to stand in the circle. Our milkman goes back to what he had left in the middle and starts on the headlights. After this, he starts on the rearlights. As soon as he breaks the first one, he hears a faint chuckle from the Sardarji. He breaks the other one, now he could distinctly hear the Sardarji laugh slightly. Enraged, he goes to the Sardarji and asks him why he was laughing. Sardarji says that it was nothing. He comes backs and resumes his assault on the poor marrruttti and as he goes on in this act, Sardarji’s laughs become louder and louder. Enraged, the milkman increases his assault , but the laughs keep on increasing rather than decreasing. At last, the milkman can’t stop himself. He goes to the Sardar and taking him by the collar, asks him the reason for laughing. Our Sardar at first says it was nothing, but when the milkman starts getting really rough, he breaks down. He says “If I tell you, you will beat me”. The milkman, now very curious, promises not to do anything if the Sardar tells him. Satisfied about his safety, our Sardarji says “You know, while u were engaged there, I came out of the circle seventeen times.
• “Witty Husband: A Sardarji, very proud of his humour used to say to his wife leaving for the office : ‘Good bye Char Bacchon ki Maa’ . One day his wife fed up of this answered : ‘ Bye Bye, Doo Bacchon Ke Baap’. That ended the husband’s witticisms.
• Sweater: Mrs Kartar had bought a beautiful sweater for her husband . She sent it to her husband by parcel post along with a note. The note said : ‘ The buttons of the sweater are removed since they where too heavy and added to the postage . You will find them in the right hand pocket of the sweater
• Waiter: Banta Singh went to eat in ramshackle hotel. To his surprise the waiter who came to serve him happened to be one of his classmate at school. Banta called him and said ‘Aren’t you ashamed of working in a seedy joint like this?’ ‘Not at all,’ replied the classmate. ‘I would be ashamed if I ate my meal here. I only work in this place.’
• Beta: Take me to the 10th floor,’ said Banta Singh as he entered the lift of a high rise building. When the lift reached its destination, the liftman opened its gates and said, ‘The 10th floor, beta.’ ‘Why did you call me beta?’ demanded Banta Singh. ‘I am not your son.’ ‘I called you beta because I brought you up,’ replied the liftman.
• Ticket Collector: The collector asked Banta Singh for his rail ticket. Banta Singh searched his pockets but could not find it. ‘Never mind,’ reassured the collector, ‘ I will take your word that you bought your ticket.’ ‘That is very kind of you,’ replied Banta Singh, ‘but if I don’t find it, I want to know where to get off.’
• Closed “Open Glass”: Santa Singh : ‘Look Banta, what type of glasses they have made. The top is closed. How can you fill lassi in it ?’
  Banta Singh : ‘Yes, that’s funny. And even if you make a hole at the top, how will the lassi stay in the glass when the bottom is open?’
• Answer in “Brief”: Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. “Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar,” he says, ” it says here, ‘Answer the following questions in brief’.”
• A Police Story: Three police squads , The Scotland Yard police , The NY Police and the Punjab Sardar brigade contest for the best police force ward . The judges lead them to the Gir forest of India and assign them the mission . He who captures an adult Lion and brings it back alive in the fastest time will be adjudged the best . First Scotland yard goes into the forest and comes back in half an hour with a Lion all tied up . Then the NY police go in and come back in 15 minutes with a tied up lion. Lastly the sardar brigade goes in . 15 minutes , half an hour , one hour goes and no sign of our saradrjis The judges give up and decide to search for them . They go into the forest . After some searching , they find the sardarjis all excitedly yelling near a tree . The sardarjis have tied up a big bear to a tree and one of them is shouting , “Bol tu sher Hai ! Saala Bol ! tu Sher Hai !! ” (Admit that you are a lion! You are a lion).
• ONE FINE DAY A GIRL PROPOSED TO A SARDAR AND SARDAR DENIED
  SIMPLY SAYING THAT IN OUR FAMILY,
  WE MARRY ONLY OUR RELATIVES..
  MY MOM MARRIED MY DAD,
  MY BROTHER MARRIED MY BHABHI ,
  MY UNCLE MARRIED MY AUNT AND SO ON.
  SO PLEASE EXCUSE ME !!!!!
• Banta Singh and Santa Singh got tired using cell phones and for a
  change decided to use really ancient methods of communication. They
  decided to use pigeons to send messages. So they went and bought
  expensive carrier pigeons from the Jama Masjid market in old Delhi
  and found to their joy that the pigeons indeed could be trained and
  the birds very easily learnt to return directly to their respective
  homes. And so this scheme worked very fine.
  One day Santa sends his pigeon. When the pigeon reaches to Banta it
  is with out message. Banta picked his mobile and asked Santa “What
  is this joke? The pigeon is without any message!!!”
  Santa said “Oye khoteya, this was a missed call.”………lol…………
• “Help…. the Titanic is going to be drowned….”
  Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God…
  Just then a Italian asks the nearby Sardarji in the ship.
  Italian : How far is land, from here ?
  Sardarji : Two miles .
  Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise.
  I have got the experience of swimming even more.
  The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up
  to the layer to ask something again.
  Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here ?
  Sardarji : Downwards… !!
• Sardarjee to Sunita: “I want to marry you”
  Sunita: “But I am one year elder to you.”
  Sardarjee: “No Problem, then I will marry you next year.”
• Q:) Why does sardarji brings binoculorses in his own marriage?
  A:) To see his far reletavies.
• Two Sardars went into a pub and after ordering two
  beers took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them.
  “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here,” complained the pub-owner.
  So the two sardars swapped (exchanged) their sandwiches.
• Once upon a time, a Sardarji saw a boy who wore his cap in the back direction.
  This event really harrased the social nature of  sardarji and
  then he also decided to wear his pagari in the backward direction .
  While he was on his way to his office another Sardar saw him and asked
  “Sardar ji aa rahe ho ke jaa rahe ho”
• A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective novels,
  but he always started reading from the middle.
  A friend of his asked why he did so?”
  It’z doubly interesting”, said the Sardar. “TO start from the
  middle keeps one curious not only about its conclusion but also about its beginning
• Once a Sardarji was going to his office.
  On the way he slipped on a banana peel and was badly hurt.
  Next day , on his way to the office, he noticed a banana peel
  and Later after two days, he noticed two banana peels and
  exclaimed” ari sala, aaj to choice hai”!!!!!!
• A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate
  Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education
  on  earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer
  two questions:
  1. Name two days of the week that begin with “T”.
  2. How many seconds are there in a year?
  The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered…
  1. The two days of the week that begin with “T” are Today and Tomorrow.
  2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
  Saint Peter said, “OK, I’ll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it’s not
  the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get only
  12 seconds in a year?”
  The Sardar replied, “Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc….”
  Saint Peter lets him in without another word
• Santa ji naukri dhoond rahe they, India mein to kahi se call aayee nahin…”yahaan to companiya mere, standard kee nahin hai khair !!” Ab aaayee videsh ki baari… wahan se to ji pehali, baar mein hi reply aa gaya. bade khush…daru-sharu di party de dali. Dost poocchne lagge ki, bhai, bata to kon si company hai, kitni salary hai…vagairah- To Santa ne apni Appointment Letter sab ko dikhayi. English mein likha tha — “Dear Mr. Santa, You do not meet our requirements no further correspondence will be entertained” Sab Santa ke dost daaru pi ke to pad nahin sakte the aur wo bhi English???? So Santa ne TRANSLATE kiya Santa: Arey Angrezi ich letter aayeaa haiga, main hune tonuu translate kaar ke suna riya haaan .. To suno ki likhya hai…… “Dear Mr. Santa” —- Sade pyarey Mishterrr Santa “You do not meet” —– tum to milte hi nahin ho…bahut busy ho. “our requirements” —– Humhe to bahut zarooorat hai. “no further correspondence” —– Aage chitthi patri di jarurat nahin hai, jaise bhi ho jaldi se aa jao “will be entertained”—- Bahut khatir ki jayegi…………………
• One day evening a Sardarji starts from office to home with pushing his scooter manually. He met his friend on the way… Friend: why are you pushing your scooter manually? Sardarji: ‘I forgot to bring the scooter key from my home. Friend: ‘Is it! Then, How did you come to office from home in the morning?’ Sardarji: ‘I was pushing my scooter from home to office also in the morning.
• How Does a Sardar Cheat the Railways?? He buys the ticket but doesn’t travel !!!!!!!!
• Mr Banta Singh is traveling from Moscow to Turban Pore [Capital of Khalistan] by Kithe Pacific. Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play chess to kill time. Banta : ‘Oye Gar(r)y. You think I don’t know who U are?. I can’t compete with a world champion’ Gary : ‘How about if I play left handed ?’ Banta : [Think.. Think..] ‘OK!’ Banta is demolished in 4 moves… and is very upset through-out the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend Santa Singh. Banta : Hey! U know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me inspite of him playing left-handed….. Santa : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! U know what!! Gary IS LEFT-HANDED!!
• One day a Sardarji talking with his friend……. Sardarji: We have to learn Telugu within 6 months or we will not be able to communicate with my child. Friend: Is it! Why? Sardarji: We have adopted a telugu child and it will start to speak after 6 months.
• One Sardar was enjoying Sun on a Beach in America. A lady came and asked him, ” Are you relaxing” Sardar answered ‘” No I am Banta Singh” Another Guy Came and asked the same Question. Sardar answered ” No No Me Banta Singh” Third one came and asked the same question Sardar was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Sardar enjoying the Beach. He went and asked him ” Are you Relaxing?” The other Sardar was much educated and answered “Yes I am relaxing ” Our Sardar slapped him on his face and said, “Salay, Sab tere Ko wahah doond rahe hai aur tu Yahaan Aaram Kar raha hai.”
• After making a trip of South India , Santa Singh ,his wife and his son were returning to punjab in Tamilnadu Express. Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed. When Santa and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn’t understand hindi had occupied his son’s birth . Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT  requested that he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh explained the whole situation to him in English. Santa Singh explained , ” That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child.” 
•  There were 2 surd, both of them were good hunters, one of them Mr.Daka Singh killed only lions & tigers, and one Mr. Laka Singh killed only deers. Once they both met. Laka Singh asked Daka Singh how is that you only kill lions & tigers and I kill only deers. Tell me the trick. He told him just go to a cave and imitate the noise of a sheep the lion comes out of the cave and shoot him then that quite easy. After 2 months daka singh got the news that Laka Singh was in the hospital on questioning him he exclaimed I did the same thing you told me. I just outside a big cave and imitated the noise of a sheep but I did not know that deccan queen was coming out from the cave.
• BEPPO SINGH QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE. Friend: What are you looking at? Beppo Singh: I know your PIN no., hee, hee. Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it? Beppo Singh: four asterisks! 
• BEPPO SINGH WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL. Teacher: What is 5 plus 4? Beppo Singh: 9 Teacher: What is 4 plus 5? Beppo Singh: Are you trying to fool me, you’ve just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
• BEPPO SINGH’S MOTHER DIED. Beppo Singh: (crying) the doctor called, my mother is dead. Friend: condolence, my friend. After 2 minutes Beppo Singh cries even louder Friend: what now? Beppo Singh: my sister just called, her mother died too! 

• BEPPO SINGH NEEDS VITAMINS FOR GRANDSON. Beppo Singh: I’d like some vitamins for my grandson. Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C? Beppo Singh: Any will do, my grandson doesn’t know the alphabet yet!!
• BEPPO SINGH STUCK ON THE ELEVATOR. Lotta Singh: Sorry I’m late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of a power failure. Beppo Singh: Thats alright, me too…I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs

Imagine….

 

It is 2050 and call centres are opening all
Over the West, as the new economic power India
Out-sources work to the countries where many jobs
Originated. Millions of Americans, still struggling to
Adapt to a global economy, are willing to accept jobs
That pay them in a new currency sweeping much of the
World: Rupees. Some of them, eager to land one of the
Customer service jobs from India, are attending
Special training sessions in New York City, led by
Language specialist Dave Ramsey, who goes by a simpler
Name for his Indian clients: Devendra Ramaswaminathan .

 
On this warm afternoon, the professor is teaching
Three ambitious students how to communicate with
Indian customers.

 
Professor: ” Okay, Gary, Randy and Jane, first we need
To give you Indian names. Gary, from now on, you’ll be
Known to your customers as Gaurav. Randy, you’ll be
Ranjit. And Jane, you’ll be Jagadamba. Now imagine you
Just received a call from Delhi. What do you say?”

 
Gary: ” Name-as-tea ?”

 
Professor: ” I think you mean ‘Namaste.’ Very good. But
What do you say after that?”

 
Gary: ” How can I help you?”

 
Professor: ” You’re on the right track. Anyone else?”

 
Jane: ” How can I be helping you?”

 
Professor: ” Good try! You’re using the correct tense,
But it’s not quite right. Anyone else?”

 
Randy: ” How I can be helping you ?”

 
Professor: ” Wonderful! Word order is very important.
Okay, let’s try some small talk. Give me a comment
That would help you make a connection with your Indian
Customers .”

 
Randy: ” It’s really hot, isn’t it?”

 
Professor: ” The heat is always a good topic, but you
Haven’t phrased it correctly. Try again.”

 
Randy: ” It’s deadly hot, isn’t it?”

 
Professor: ” That’s better. But your tag question can
Be greatly improved.”

 
Randy: ” It’s deadly hot, no?”

 
Professor: ” Wonderful! You can put ‘no?’ at the end of
Almost any statement. You are understanding me, no?”

 
Jane: ” Yes, we are understanding you, no?”

 
Professor (smiles): ” We may need to review this later.
But let’s move on to other things. Have you ever heard
Indians use the word ‘yaar’?”

 
Randy: ” Yes, my Indian friends use it all the time.
Just last night, one of them said to me, ‘Randy, give
Me yaar password. I am needing it to fix yaar
Computer.”

 
Professor (laughs): ” That’s a different ‘yaar,’ yaar.
The ‘yaar’ that I’m talking about means friend or
Buddy. You can use it if you’ve developed a rapport
With a customer. For example, you can say, ‘Come on,
Yaar. I am offering you the best deal.’ Do you
Understand, Jagadamba?”
Jane: ” Yaar, I do.”

 
Professor (smiles): ” Okay, let’s talk about accents.
If your client says ‘I yam wery vorried about vat I
Bought for my vife,’ how would you respond?”

 
Randy: ” Please don’t be vorrying, yaar. She vill be
Wery happy and vill give you a vild time tonight.”

 
Professor: ” Vunderful! I mean, wonderful. You have a
Bright future, Ranjit. And so do you, Jagadamba. But
Gaurav, you haven’t said anything in a while. Do you
Have any questions about what we’ve just learned ?”

 
Gary : ” Yes, Professor, I do have one question:
Wouldn’t it be simpler to learn Hindi?”

A teacher asks a student how he would measure the height of a very tall building using a barometer, evidently expecting to hear about the reduced air pressure being proportionate to the elevation ….

The student replies: Tie the barometer to a long string, lower the string till the barometer touches the ground, measure the length of the string !

However, what follows is much more interesting: This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed .

The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics.

To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn’t make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows :

Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.” ” Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper’s shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper .”

” But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper .

The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi square root (l/g).” ” Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up .”

” If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building .”

” But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor’s door and say to him ‘If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper’ .”

The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel Prize for Physics.

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.”

“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered unperturbed. “We’ve got all the umpires.”

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself “what a waste” he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, “Is this seat taken?” The man replied, “This was my wife’s seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan.” The other man replied,”I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn’t give the ticket to a friend or a relative?”

The man replied, “They’re all at the funeral.”

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.”

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:”I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom too.”

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes.”

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road.. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” (1982)

Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: “He wants Texas back.” (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?” (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time.” (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.” (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.” (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.” (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.” (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’ ” (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.” (1987)

UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION (Time Limit: 3 Weeks)

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient
Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature,
law and social conditions

-OR-

give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY

4