funny sms jokes

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?”
Wife: “I couldn’t lift the table.”

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“What did one ghost say to another?”
“Do you believe in people?”

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My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

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They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

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“Room Service? Can you send up a towel?”
” Please wait someone else is using it.”

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When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

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“Where did you get those big eyes?”
“They came with the face.”

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I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls .

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But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

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It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

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“Look, guide, here are some lion tracks.”
“Good. You see where they go and I’ll find out where they came from.”

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“Do you think I”ll lose my looks as I get older?”
“Yes if you’re lucky.”

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A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

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“Has there been any insanity in your family?”
“Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he’s the boss.”

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I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it.

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“My wife doesn’t know what she wants.”
” You’re lucky. My wife does.”

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We have a quiet home life. I don’t speak to her and she doesn’t speak to me.

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“What do use for washing dishes?”
“Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best. ”

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“Why don’t you give your husband a divorce?”
“What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?”

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“Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?”
“I ought to be able to. I’ve had 12 different jobs in four months.”

Banta Singh and Santa Singh got tired using cell phones and for a change decided to use really ancient methods of communication. They decided to use pigeons to send messages.

So they went and bought expensive carrier pigeons from the Jama Masjid market in old Delhi and found to their joy that the pigeons indeed could be trained and the birds very easily learnt to return directly to their respective homes. And so this scheme worked very fine.

One day Santa sends his pigeon.

When the pigeon reaches to Banta it is without message.

Banta picked his mobile and asked Santa “What is this joke? The pigeon is without any message!!!”

Santa said “Oye khotey, this was a missed call.”

Surinder’s uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place. When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, “I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don’t charge me for food and drinks!”

So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food. “Excuse me, what is that drink?” he asked.

The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, “Milk of India!”

The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting. “And what is that dish?” asked the curious American.

“Wheat of India!” replied the uncle proudly.

Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.

“What is it?” asked the American.

“Sweet of India!” replied the old man.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud “Pooooooooooooo!” from the uncle.

“What was that?” asked the American in disgust.

The old man replied coolly, “That’s Air India!”

The New Doctor

A woman went to the doctor’s office. Where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?

Look at the Laloo’s point
A British Diplomat paid a courtesy visit to Lalloojee. During a Garden party at the Palace, he thought of entertaining Lalloojee with the following magic of numbers.
He said, “Your excellency, Look at the value of the alphabet:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Now, look at this Sir, if we calculate together it will be:
HARDWORK = 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 %
KNOWLEDGE = 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 %
LOBBYING = 12 15 2 2 25 9 14 7 = 86 %
LUCK = 12 21 3 11 = 47 %
Only Sir, you should look at the final one, which is most important.
ATTITUDE = 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
Sir, do you find it useful? This magic can work on your people to improve themselves, increase productivity, and make your Kingdom prosperous.
Sir, I can arrange to send our experts to coach your people. We can do it in less than a year” Lalloojee thought for a while; and said, “I have better formula. See this……
CORRUPTION = 3 15 18 21 16 9 15 14 = 111 %
Do you want me to come and teach your people? I can do it in less than one week.

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says: “An Italian girl !!!” The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good, thank you.” “And, what happened to my present?”

“Which present?” She asked.

“The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!”

“Oh, that” she said “Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!”

Q. What if your Dad loses his car keys?
A. ‘Parent keys not found!’

Q. What if your old girl friend spots you with your new one?
A. ‘Duplicate value on index!’

Q. What if the golf ball doesn’t get into the hole at all?
A. ‘Value larger than specified precision!’

Q. What if you try to have fun with somebody else’s girlfriend and get kicked out?
A. ‘Insufficient privileges on the specified object!’

Q. What if you don’t get any response from the girl next door?
A. ‘No data found!’ or ‘ Query caused no rows retrieved !’

Q. What if you get response from the girl next door and her Mom too?
A. ‘SELECT INTO returns too many rows!’

Q. What if you dial a wrong number?
A. ‘Invalid number’ or ‘ Object doesn’t exist!’

Q. What if you try to beat your own trumpet?
A. ‘Object is found mutating!’

Q. What if you are too late to office and the boss catches you?
A. ‘Discrete transaction failed!’

Q. What if you see ‘theatre full’ when you go to a movie?
A. ‘Maximum number of users exceeded!’

Q. What if you don’t get table in the lunch room?
A. ‘System out of tablespace!’

MAN: I’d like to buy some dog food.

CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?

MAN: Yes.

CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?

MAN: He’s at home.

CHECKOUT LADY: I’m sorry, I can’t sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.

MAN: I’d like to buy some cat food.

CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?

MAN: Yes.

CHECKOUT LADY: Well…where is she?

MAN: She’s at home!

CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can’t sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.

CHECKOUT LADY: What’s in the sack?

MAN: Put your hand inside.

CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm…It’s warm and moist! What is it?

MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper .

Enjoy the beauty of maths…..

Beauty of Math!

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
12 x 8 + 2 = 98
123 x 8 + 3 = 987
1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

1 x 9 + 2 = 11
12 x 9 + 3 = 111
123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111

9 x 9 + 7 = 88
98 x 9 + 6 = 888
987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888

Brilliant, isn’t it?

And look at this symmetry:

1 x 1 = 1
11 x 11 = 121
111 x 111 = 12321
1111 x 1111 = 1234321
11111 x 11111 = 123454321
111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
111111111 x 111111111=123456789 87654321

Now, take a look at this…

101%

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:

What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been in situations where someone wants you to GIVE OVER 100%.

How about ACHIEVING 101%?

What equals 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

If:

H-A-R-D-W-O- R- K

8+1+18+4+23 + 15+18+11 = 98%

And:

K-N-O-W-L-E- D-G-E

11+14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%

But:

A-T-T-I-T-U- D-E

1+20+20+9+20+ 21+4+5 = 100%

THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:

L-O-V-E- O-F-G-O-D

12+15+22+5+15+ 6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there , It’s the Love of God that will put you over the top!

It’s up to you if you share this with your friends & loved ones just the way I did.

Naa ye CHEMISTRY hoti, na me STUDENT hota Na wo LAB hoti, na wo LOVE ACCIDENT hota

Tabhi PRACTICAL ke waqt nazar aayi ek ladki khubsurat is naak uski TEST TUBE jaisi

Uski baaton me GLUCOSE ki mithas thi ETHYL ALCOHOL is thandi uski saans thi

Andhere me wo RADIUM ki tarah chamakti thi jab aankh mili to REACTION hua, love ka PRODUCTION hua!

Fir to lagne lage uske ghar ke chakkar aise, NUCLEUS ke charo aur ELECTRON jaise

Jis din TEST ka PERFECTION tha us din uske pitaji se hamara INTRODUCTION tha

Mano IGNITION TUBE se SODIUM ke piece nikal pade wo bole hosh me aao, pehchano apni aukat IRON kabhi mil nahi sakta GOLD ke saath!

Is tarah tod diya unhone hamare armano ka BEAKER hum chup hi reh gaye BENJALDEHYDE ka ghoont pikar.

Ab unki yado ke bina hamara kaam chalta nahi hain zindagi ho gayi AB UNSATURATED CARBON ki tarah, bekar ghumte AB hum awaara HYDROGEN ki tarah .