funny sms jokes

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

 

Dumb Florida Laws
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
It is considered an offense to shower naked.
You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
You may not kiss your wife’s breasts.
Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road.
Big Pine Key
It is illegal to molest a Key deer. If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail.
Cape Coral
It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline.
It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street. This law is limited to only those who do not own the house. (Repealed 2000)
Daytona Beach
The molestation of trash cans is banned.
Sec. 10-56. While intoxicated, under influence of narcotics, prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired. (Code 1955, § 28-64)
Sec. 22-44. Storage, depositing prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person, either as owner, occupant, lessee, agent, tenant, or otherwise, to store or deposit, or cause or permit to be stored or deposited, any abandoned, junked or discarded motor vehicle or motor vehicles upon any public or private property within the city. (Code 1955, § 20-11)
Sec. 18-2. Weeds, trash, etc., as a public nuisance; removal by property owner or by city at owner’s expense; notice and hearing; lien for expenses. (a) The existence of weeds, trash, undergrowth, brush, filth, garbage or other refuse on any lot, tract or parcel of land within the city which has caused the property to become, or which may reasonably cause the property to become infested, or inhabited by rodents, vermin or wild animals, or may furnish a breeding place for mosquitoes or threatens the public health, safety or welfare, or may reasonably cause disease or adversely affects and impairs the economic welfare of the adjacent property, is declared to constitute a public nuisance and is hereby prohibited.
Hialeah
Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor.
Jupiter Inlet Colony Inlet
Sec. 3-1. Bird sanctuary declared. (a) It is hereby declared that all territory embraced within the corporate limits of the municipality shall be a bird sanctuary. (b) It shall be unlawful for any person within the municipality to shoot, trap or in any manner kill, wound or maim any bird of any kind, or at any time to throw at any birds of any kind any missile with slingshots or any other weapon, or to disturb their eggs or their young or their nests. (Ord. No. 8-59, §§ 1, 2, 8-10-59)
Key West
Chickens are considered a ‘protected species’.
Miami
It is illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Sec. 8-3. Bell or other warning device. No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle. (Code 1967, § 8-3; Code 1980, § 8-3)
Pensacola
Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person.
It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel.
A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils.
Pinecrest
In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained. Sec. 12-23. Registration required; application; transferability; false statements. (a)All persons must complete and submit to the village an emergency contact registration form for their alarm if they operate or cause to be operated an alarm system in the village. A separate registration is required for each alarm system. Upon receipt of a completed registration form, the police department shall issue a numbered alarm sticker to the applicant to facilitate retrieval of registration information. (Ord. No. 97-17, § 1, 10-14-97)
Sanford
Stage nudity is banned, with the exception of “bona fide” theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine.
Sarasota
If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00.
You may not catch crabs.
Tampa Bay
It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.

 

 

Did you hear that they have removed Al Gore’s name from consideration for the University of Alabama Head Coaching job? He can’t win in Tennessee, either!

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly…and for the same reason.

Al Gore’s Biography: “Bad Timing: A Presidential Obsession”

Gore, Nader, and Bush went on a boat trip. During their trip, the boat began to sink. As there were three of them, and only one life vest, they decided to vote on who would get it. They passed a hat around, then counted the ballots. Bush got one vote. Nader got one vote. Gore got seven votes.

“What’s the difference between Al Gore and a puppy? After three weeks, a puppy opens its eyes and stops whining.”

“Why hasn’t Bush commented on the rulings? He said he didn’t think the judges were ready because he saw them in their robes this morning.”

“What’s the difference between Al Gore’s inauguration and George W’s? For Al Gore’s they need 400 balloons; for Dubya’s, they would need 400 balloons and a clown.”

“According to the latest polls, 60 per cent of americans want Al Gore to concede the election. The other 40 per cent are lawyers working for Al Gore.”

“You’ve got George W. Bush’s intelligence pitted against Al Gore’s honesty. This looks like a case for the small-claims court.”

“President Clinton said the Florida votes should be recounted or America will be embarrassed in front of the whole world. Yes, that’s right. The President went on to say, “Remember, embarrassing America in front of the world is my job.”

“George W. Bush is very excited about becoming President. In fact he called his dad to get the address of the White House.”

Florida State Mottos
FLORIDA: If you think we can’t vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don’t like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: We’ve been Gored by the bull of politics and we’re Bushed.

FLORIDA: Relax…Retire…ReVote.

FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts…and counts…and counts…

FLORIDA: We don’t just cheat in football.

FLORIDA: We’re number one! Wait! Recount!

Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.

Palm Beach County: We put the “duh” in Florida.

FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

FLORIDA: This isn’t good when Alabama counts faster than us!

FLORIDA: Once is never enough!

FLORIDA: We would do a recount but we’ve run out of fingers and toes!

FLORIDA: Don’t blame me, I voted for Gore, I think.

FLORIDA: Don’t blame me, my vote didn’t count.

FLORIDA: We’re retired –no wait– we’re retarded!

FLORIDA: Don’t count on us!

FLORIDA: Home of the edible chad.

FLORIDA: Bumbling better than ever!

Defining terms
C - Can
H - Help
A - All
D - Democrats

Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism

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Georgia Jokes
Q: Why does a Georgia Bulldog place his diploma on the dashboard?
A: So he can park in a handicapped zone!

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Dumb Georgia Laws
It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.
You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by “fighting” words.
Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.
Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.
Signs are required to be written in English.
No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.
Acworth v
All citizens must own a rake.
Atlanta
Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
One man may not be on another man’s back.
Columbus
Can’t cut off a chicken’s head on Sunday.
It is illegal to carry a chicken by it’s feet down Broadway on Sunday.
Gainesville
Chicken must be eaten with the hands.
Jonesboro
It is illegal to say “Oh, Boy”
Kennesaw
Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind.
Marietta
Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.
St. Mary’s
No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark.
Quitman
It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
Cars are not to drive on sidewalks.

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney …

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Oh Lordy!
A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom.”

So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, “I am Michael O’Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list and says, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the preacher, “that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?”

“Up here, we go by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept — while he drove, people prayed.”

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Dumb New York Laws
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a “pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s head for fun.
A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.
Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.
Carmel
A man can’t go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
Greene
During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.
New York
Citizens may not greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers”.
It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing.”
You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.
Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.
Ocean City
It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle.
It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.
Staten Island
You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.
It is illegal for a father to call his son a “faggot” or “queer” in an effort to curb “girlie behavior.”

Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

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Washington: We like our state, so stay out!

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Dumb Washington Laws

All lollipops are banned.

A law to reduce crime states: “It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.”

It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.

People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.

All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle.

It is illegal to pretend that one’s parents are rich.

You are not allowed to breast feed in public.

When two trains come to a crossing, neither shall go until the other has passed.

You are breaking the law if you sell or place in the stream of commerce a crib that has: corner posts that extend more than 1/16-inch above end panels; slats more than 2 3/8 inches apart; a mattress support that releases easily from corner posts; cutout designs on the end panels; tears in mesh or fabric; missing or loose screws, bolts, or hardware; sharp edges, points, or rough surfaces on wood surfaces that are not smooth and free from splinters, splits or cracks. The new Infant Crib Safety Act in California (AB 3760, Speier), Colorado (SB 98-023,Pascoe and Morrison) and Washington State (SSB 6229, Kohl and Pennington) states that “no commercial user shall manufacture, retrofit, sell, contract to sell or resell, lease, sublet or otherwise place in the stream of commerce, a full-size or non-full-size crib that is unsafe for any infant using the crib.

You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday.

Auburn

Men who deflower virgins, regardless of age or marital status, may face up to five years in jail.

Bremerton

You may not chuck peanuts on the street.

Everett

It is illegal to display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window.

Lynden

Dancing and drinking may not occur at the same establishment.

Seattle

You may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.

Women who sit on men’s laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term.

No one may set fire to another person’s property without prior permission.

It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers.

Spokane

TV’s may not be bought on Sundays.

Waldron Island

No structure shall contain more than two toilets that use potable water for flushing. -San Juan County Ordinance NO. 7 -1995 (Passed June 7,1995)

Wilbur

You may not ride an ugly horse.

Q: What’s the difference between England and a tea bag?

A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

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Q. Why has Kevin keegan banned his players from owning dogs?

A. Because they can’t hang onto a lead.

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The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, “Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you”. His son replied, “Daddy, I would like an aeroplane”.

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways. Just before his son’s seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.

“Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you.” His son replied, “Daddy, I would like a boat”.

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries. Just before his son’s eight birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, shall get for you.” His son replied, “Daddy, I would like something to watch films on”.

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies. Just before his son’s ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son, who had caught the ‘Western’ movie bug, replied, “Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit”. Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him the England football team.