funny sms jokes

Titanic was sinking.

An Englishman asked Santa, “How far is land”?
Santa: 2 KMs.

Englishman jumped into sea.
Englishman: Now, which direction?

Santa: Downwards !

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Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable. Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on escalators.

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How did Santa tried to kill a bird??

He took it to the top of a building and dropped it from there to die.

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Santa: I have swallowed a Kay.

Doctor: When?

Santa: 3 months back!

Doctor: What were you doing till now?

Santa: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost it too.

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Santa was drawing money from ATM. Banta, who was just behind him in the line said: I’ve seen ur password. It’s ****. Santa: U r wrong. It’s 1394.

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Santa falls in love with a nurse… After much thinking, he finally writes a love letter to her: “I luv u sister .”

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Santa asked Banta: Why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in evening?

Banta: Very simple, because he is PM not AM.

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Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?

Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl .

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A lady calls Santa for repairing door bell.

Santa doesn’t turns up for 4 days.

Lady calls again, Santa replies: I’m coming daily since 4 days, I press the bell but no one comes out.

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Lady to inspector Santa: My husband went to buy potatos 5 days ago, he hasn’t came back yet!

Santa: Why don’t u cook something else? .

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An Englishman and Santa inside the toilet.

Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?

Santa: Good evening, we open the zip and do!

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Santa opened a petrol pump, but not even one customer went there. You know why?

Because he opened petrol pump on second floor..

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Ultimate answer while changing the job.

Interviewer: Why did you changed your last job?

Santa: Because the company shifted and didn’t tell me where.

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Santa and Banta went for a drive.

Santa: Hey, look out from the window, are the indicators working or not?

Banta puts his head out & says “Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No, Yes-No!!!”

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Santa’s wife dies. He is calm, but his wife’s lover is crying furiously…

Finally, Santa consoles him: Don’t worry buddy, I will marry again.

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Why did Santa keep the door open while bathing?

Because he was afraid that someone might watch him from the key hole.

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Santa phoned his wife: I am not coming home . The steering, dash board, gears of car have been stolen.

After sometime he calls again: I am coming , earlier I sat on the back seat.

Banta, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, Hi there… what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?

The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that’s why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. What are you doing? asked the rancher again.

As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that’s why he had the bread.

Finally our Banta appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, Hey, why are you dragging that car door?

Well, he said, I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I’ll roll down the window.
SMS Jokes

Amitabh - Han han mein chor hun, mein bazar mein kaladhandha karta hun, police ke record mein mera naam hai. Lekin mein akela nahin hun. Jao pahle ush admi ko msg de kar aao jisne mera baap ko chor kaha tha; Jao pahle ush admi ko msg de kar aao jisne meri maa ko gali deke naukri se nikal diya tha; jao pahle ush aadmi ko msg de kar aao jisne mere haath me yeh likh diya tha; Uske BAAD, Uske baad mere bhai tum jab chahoge tab mere m/c mein msg de dena.

*  DO loop
   Sau saal pehle, mujhe tumse pyaar tha Aaj bhi hai, aur kal
   bhi rahega

*  IF THEN ELSE
   Tum agar mujhko na chaaho to koi baat nahin Magar kisi aur
   ko chaahogi to mushkil hogi.

*  RETURN statement
   aa laut ke aaja mere meet tujhe mere geet bulaate hain

*  Procedure call
   aaja re ab mera dil pukaara

*  malloc()
   Yaad kiya dilne kahan ho tum?

*  exit(), suspend
   Ruk jaa o jaane waali ruk jaa

*  for(;;), the infinite loop
   hum tum, yug yug se ye geet milan ke gaate rahe hain,
   gaate rahenge hum tum…

*  [remote login:]
   tumse kuchh kehna hai, gar tum kuch kehne do

*  [ network busy ]
   suno - kaho, kaha - suna, kucha huwa kya? abhee to nahin…

*  Two Recursive functions calling each other
   muze kuch kahana hein, muze bhee kuch kahena hein pahle
   tum,  pahle tum…..

*  extern variable
   hum hein rahee pyaar ke, humse kucha bhee na boliye jo bhee
   pyar se mila hum usike ho liye

*  static/local variable
   Jeena yahaan, marna yahaan iske siwa jaana kahan    

*  SUBROUTINE
   Akela hoon mai, es duniya mein, na koi sathee hai……

*  Mental state after a CLEAN COMPILE
   Ek punjaban dil churake le gayee, hai…… sona sona …… dil mera
   sona…..

*  Completion of DESIGN SPECIFICATION
   Chanda se hoga woh pyara, phoolon se hoga woh nyara, nachega aangan mei
   chamcham, nanha sa munna hamara…..

*  FILE NOT FOUND
   Na tum hame jano, na hum tumhe jane, magar lagta hai kutch aisa……

*  Global application
   Mera juuta hai japanee, yeh patloon enlishtani, sar pe lal topy roosi phir
   bhi dil hai hindustani……

Rules for making INDIAN Movies

———————————————–

             1. If the number of heroes is not equal to the

number of heroines,

             the excess heroes/heroines will

             - die

             - join the Red Cross and take off to

Switzerland before the end of the movie.

             2. If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will

fight each other savegely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they

are brothers).

             3. Any court scene will have the dialogue

“Objection milord”. If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer,

it will be sustained. Else, it will be overruled.

             4. The hero’s sister will usually marry the

hero’s best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by

the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.

             5. In a chase, the hero will always overtake the

villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.

             6. When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will

never

             - miss

             - run out of bullets.

             When the villain fires at the hero, he will

always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule).

             7. Any fight sequence shall take place in the

vicinity of a stack of

             - pots

             - barrels

             - glass bottles, which will be smashed to

pieces.

             8. Any movie involving lost+found brothers will

have a song sung by

             - the brothers

             - their blind mother (but of course, she has to

be blind in order to regain her sight in theclimax)

             - the family dog/cat.

             The amazing thing is that these folks

remember the song after 20 years in the movie, and you can’t

remember it 2 minutes after coming out of the theatre.

             9. Police inspectors (when not played by the

hero) come in three categories:

             - Scrupulously honest, probably the hero’s

father - killed by the villain before the titles.

             - Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as

in rule), saying “Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte”,

only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector’s

daughter is in love with the anti-hero.

             - The corrupt inspector, (usually the real

villain’s sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the

Some Film titles may be like these : –
** Munna Bhi MCSA
** Kal MSN Ho Na Ho
** Love in mIRC
** Tere Nick
** ID Mil Gaya
** Chat To Kero
** Ek Programmer Thi
** Yeh Hack Horaha Hai
** Hum Pyar PC Se Kar Baithe
** Network Ke Us Paar
** Meri Disc Tumhare Paas Hai
** Aao Chat Kare
** C Wale Job Le Jayenge
** Programmer No.1
** Mera Naam Developer
** Hum Apke Memory Mein Rahate Hein
** Do Processor, Baarah Terminal
** Tera Code Chal Gaya
** Har Din Jo Mail Karega
** Debugging Koi Khel Nahi
** Jish Desh Mein Bill Gates Rehatha Hai
** Raju Ban Gaya MCSE ..!
** Client Ek Numbari, C Programmer Dus Numbari
** Login Karo Sajana
** Naukar PC Ka
** 1942 — A Bug Story
** Kaho Na Virus Hai
** Crash Se Crash Tak
** Haan Meine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai
** Shaheed Hacker Singh
** Password De Ke Dekho
** Terminal Apna , Login Parayi
** Mr. Network Lal
** Terminal Sajaake Rakhna
** Hackers Ka Raja, Debuggers Ki Rani
** Kyonki Mein Debug Nahin Kartha
** Phir Theri Java-script Yaad Aayi
** Hang To Hona Hi Tha !!!!!!!!!!!!

Amitabh - Han han mein chor hun, mein bazar mein kaladhandha karta hun,
police ke record mein mera naam hai. Lekin mein akela nahin hun. Jao pahle
ush admi ko msg de kar aao jisne mera baap ko chor kaha tha; Jao pahle ush
admi ko msg de kar aao jisne meri maa ko gali deke naukri se nikal diya
tha; jao pahle ush aadmi ko msg de kar aao jisne mere haath me yeh likh
diya tha; Uske BAAD, Uske baad mere bhai tum jab chahoge tab mere m/c
mein msg de dena.

Dharmendra - Kutte Kaminey, Agar tuune apni maa ki doodh piya hai to
message chodde, warana mein tujhe jinda nahin chodunga.

AJIT’s voicemail - Sari duniya mujhe white LION ke naamse janti hai,
jabtak tum messages chhodoge hum bharat se bahut dur ja chuke honge,
robert helicopter chalu karo !!

Ajit : “Smart move”. Phone kiya aapne baaahot aaachha kiya Apka nam chod
dijiye aur Mona apka phone louta degi ! Please Hiron ki aawaj sunte hi
record karna !

Shatru : jis haram-zade ne call kiya hain … mein us haram-zade ko zinda
nahi chodunga… jaan se maar dunga

Shatru - AAahoy ! Ye Chenu ka answering m/c hai ! Seedhi taraha se message
chhod de warna mai teri haddi pasli ek kardunga, ! haaa

Shatru - Apne Mangal ko phone kiya hai, koi phate hue tash ke tirpanve
patte ko nahin ! Nam chod dena Ham patta khud jaan lenge !

Raj Kumar : Jaani. Shisheke gharome rahane wale pathar nahi pheka
karate.Tum pathar mat pheko message chodo. Hum jara jaldi me hai.

Jaani yeh answering machine koi bacchon ka khel nahi. hum ko mita sake woh
tumahre msg mein dum nahi…. hum se hain ye m/c .. m/c se hum nahi….

Pran - PATHAN ki ansering m/c…. HUM tereku bola msg chod de warna hum
pathan ka baccha tumara tangdi tod dega

Prem chopra - hum woh hain jo shishe ko patthar se katate hain…. aaapke
msg ki iit ka jawab patthar se denge…. BTW: Mera Naam hai Pre’m, He he
Pre’m Chopra

KESTO - Ihhhiyaa ! saale message Chhod ! nahi to Batli de !! Ihhhiyaa!
Jaldi kar HICH ! Apun ko janeka hai Ihhhiyaa ! ! hick! aay . hick! ye
ansering hick! machine hick! msg ..

Asrani - AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAA ! Phone kiya ! Tune phone kiya RRRRREEEEEE!
Message rakh ! AAAAAAAAHHHHAAAAA !

Asrani — adhe log 1 press karo.. adhe log 2 press karo… baki msg
rakho.hum angrezon ke zamane ke jailar hain hA HAAAAAAA.. msg angrezimein
rakho.. HA HAAAAAAA

BINDU - Mera nam hai shabnam, pyar se log mujhe SHABBO kehate
hai…Tumhara naan kya hai !!  Tina Mina, Anju, Manju Yaaa Madhuuu.

Shakti - aaauu lalita, Message chhod deee ! warna teri maa ki jaaan
….Aaaauu lalita !! mera naam Balma… badriparsad lalanparsad
malapani… balma..Pyarasa… Nanhasa.. Chotasa ….Balmaa.  Aur mere kane
Chaku hai?

Jeevan - Ooouuum ! Kya bandar ki tarah msg chodta hai tum ! Kya is m/c me
koi ladki hai kyaaa !

Mehmood - Kya bula tu. Mereku kya bola tu. Seedhi tarah se message
rakhaneko bola … Aur tum muh pe kuphal daal kai baithta kya

Mehmood2 - ayyo dyevi . tum kitna khoobsoorat msg chchodta ji.. Aum yakdam
pagal O jata ji, Aiyo Wanga, Ider Aana, ayyo BinduSSS

Gabbar - soovar ke bachcho . main ghar mein nahi hu. ab tera kya hoga re
kalia? raat ko jab tej tej phone ki ghanti bajti hai to maa kehti hai msg
chchod beta varna gabbar nahi sunega …  Yaad rahe Yaha se 50 50 mil ki
doori par jab koi baccha rota hai to maa kahati hai “beta so ja nahi to
gabbar singh ka voice mail Bolega….”

Basanti -yun ki hume jaada bukbuk karne ki aadat to hai nahi . agar mere
liye msg hai to 1 dabana. agar mausi ke liye hai to 2 dabana . agar veeru
ke liye hai to dono dabana . yun ki hume lamba msg rakhne ki aadat to hai
nahi… agar mere liye msg hai…to 1 dabana…….

Clinton arrives in Mumbai and he gets so impressed by Bollywood. He wants to be in Hindi movies and he starts dreaming..

Bill was in the Oval office and he started singing “Yeh Bill Na hota bechara, kadam na hote awara..”

At that moment, Lewinsky, who was passing by, heard it and responded “Bill, Dhak dhak karne laga, mora jiyorra darne laga”, And Bill, brimming with thrill, rushed and opened the door and realized he is the President of the USA.

So he paused and looked at her like Ajay Devgan from PTHHT. But Monica could hear Kumar Sanu’s song, and said, “Dil-Bill, Pyar Wyar, Main kya janoo re”

He gazed into her eyes like Bobby Deol in Kareeb and sang “Chori Chori jab nazzare mili, chori chori jab Bill ne kaha, chori mein bhi hai mazaa!”

Then he pulled her into his office and thought of Aamir Khan in Ghulam -”Aankhon se tune ye kya keh diya, Bill ye diwana machalne laga..” Monica picked up the cue and replied like Rani Mukherjee - “yeh kya hua, pehle to aisa hota na tha…”

Bill then closed the door with a mischievious smile and sang “Hum tum ek kamre mein band hon aur chaabi kho jaaye…” The rest is history. The poor security guards outside could only hear the full throated song from Dil Se, “Bill se, Bill se Bill se, Bill to aakhir bill hain na…”
Monica met her best friend Linda Tripp and confessed about her affair - “Mera Bill bhi kitna pagal hai, pyar jo mujhse karta hai..”

Tripp recorded Monica’s confessions and went to legal eagle Kenneth Starr with her cassette and screamed “Le gayee Bill, Lewinsky..paagal mujhe kar diya”. Starr called Clinton and asked “Yeh kya hua, kaise hua kab hua…” But Bill cleverly interrupted and said “Oh chhodo, ye na poocho..” But Starr persisted and sang “Jhoot bole kowaa kaate..”
Now Bill was very angry with Monica and called her up.
Bill: Aye, kya bolti tu?
Monica: Aye, Kya main boloon..?
Bill: Sun
Monica: Suna
Bill: Kyon kiya ghotala?
Monica: Kya karoon, ho gayi thi kantala

Finally Clinton decided to tell Starr all, “Bill kya kare jab kisi se kisi ko pyaar ho jaye…”., to which Starr had a ready reply, “Aye Bill hai mushkil jeena yahan, jara bach ke, jara hat ke, yeh hai White House meri Jaan!”
Cut…Cut…Cut…!!

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Multi-tasking means screwing up several things at once.

Q. What does 98 stand for in Windows 98?
A. It stands for number of times it hangs in a day.

Work faithfully 8 hours a day, and don’t worry because in time you will become the boss and work 12 hours a day and do all the worrying.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

A modern employer is one who is looking for men between ages 25 and 30 with 40 yrs experience.

A system administrator is like Santa Claus, nobody really knows what he does most of the time.